meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
