can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Randomize
