Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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