i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
