I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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