he shaved USA in his pubs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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