He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
