She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
