he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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