I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
