You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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