i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
