my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
