I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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