Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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