Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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