did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
