yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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