I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
