and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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