I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
