I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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