the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
