My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
