We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
