but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
