we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I could fuck to npr.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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