you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
