a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
