I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
