I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
