I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
