i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
