Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
