Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
