I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Are we still banned from the library?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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