In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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