she woke up with a sticky ear
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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