my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
