if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
