he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
