The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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