Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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