One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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