You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
