from now on my penis is your penis
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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