I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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