I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
