she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
