I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
