i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
