My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
