You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
