i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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