On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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