true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
