I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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