My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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