It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
