Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i can't believe i had my finger in that
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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