i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
